I remember a few months ago when I thought that the worst had passed; I had made it through months of sleepless nights, before the boys' birth and after. I had made it through a lot of physical challenges, emotional challenges and fallen in love with two tiny, unpredictable and helpless men.
I have come to cherish the routine of my days, adore watching these boys grow into their personality's and playing games and kissing them all over while they giggle.
But this last weekend, that 'catch' of motherhood, the one that I have heard women speak of but kept thinking I would somehow evade, became clear in my heart. The catch is in the heart, that's where it is.
so -I will define this catch. As a Mother, my well being will forever be tied to the well being of my children. This might sound obvious; like, when it rains if you don't use an umbrella or a rain jacket you WILL get wet. Or, if you are watching a special on wildlife on PBS someone with a British or Australian accent will be narrating. It really wasn't that obvious for me, though. I remember when we used to have to hold the babies' heads securely in the nook of our elbow to keep them safe. I remember thinking, 'I can't wait until they can support their own heads! They will be able to hold on and their heads will be steady!'. Now, when I pick one up like a sack of potatoes they grip my shirt with both hands and have a look on their face like I do when I am on a roller-coaster ride.
I could handle keeping their heads safe- it was intensive and all consuming making sure they were breathing and their neck was supported but nothing like trying to grab B before he cracks his head open on a brick, just because he is careless and strong getting around.
This weekend they were sick. They had fevers and were weak, they cried and screamed and I totally lost it. I wanted to run away. I wanted to leave my house and not come back for days while simultaneously wanting to hold and love A and B until I washed away all their pain.
So it hit me- They will have a lot of pain in their lives. I will always be their wishing it would go away for them. But the real catch here is selfish- of course I will want them to feel good for their sake, but mostly, I will want them to be happy for MY sake; because the idea of feeling so helpless all the time in the face of adversity scares the crap out of me. I can take care of myself, this much is true. But its really hard to imagine doing that when a new and permanent part of the equation is trusting my children to the world and their own devices.
So I will work on welcoming it. I will repeat the phrases of wisdom I have heard through my life and work hard on letting go. I will be working hard on letting go for the rest of my life, every day, going forward. This is what I signed up for, and though I love it, I am also a little bummed about it. Thank God for my parents - I can't believe they have been doing this for so long!!
I could go on, but mostly I should write shorter posts more often.
B stylin' sideways and A cheesing out. =)
Minnesota Veteran Stories - Plains Story Share is operating out of Minnesota now - unfortunately, the plains are not where we live but something I will always carry in my heart. Soon, ...
1 year ago