Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Then and Now

While my husband has the good fate of his favorite country songs coming on the radio while he is in the shower right now, the babies are napping and I'm all too deep in thought.

I ask myself quite often how it is that someone who loves their family so much can choose to live so far away from them. I ask myself why I left. I know some basic reasons, mostly I wanted adventure and change. Now I have change, very little adventure, and a whole lot of homesickness. I don't have too much homesickness - I left years ago. I wrote this poem to my mother in one of my journals about how I felt the first couple of days after they dropped me off:

But wait, is this what I asked for?
Because it's hard.
Did you know it would be this hard?
For me.
My conscious subconsciously threw it
in my eyes how much I missed you
when I wished so much after my
dream ended before I opened my eyes
you would be lying there
giggling in my face like we were three year old twin sisters
but you happened to raise me and nurture me
into doing the things that are now so difficult.... with finesse.

I don't know about the finesse part. I was obviously feeling pretty proud of myself at the time, =).
I hope my family knows how much I love them and miss them.
I am the kind of person that, if asked my first priority, would make it clear that it is the people in my life. I feel like a walking contradiction being so far away from so many of those people.
I have wonderful people in my life here, but it's a bit different.

Having kids has felt, in some ways, like pouring the concrete on my decision to live this life I have chosen. Sometimes frighteningly suffocating and other times the only solace I know.
It's so hard living with the choices I felt I had to make. But trusted myself then, and I trust myself now so I should quit whining, cuddle my children and watch the new sitcom I ordered from Netflix.

1 comment:

Sara said...

I think that poured concrete is the perfect description to your reaction. I call it perfect cause I feel like that all the time, only I don't have children. I constantly teeter between maintaining impermanence (fooling myself) or forging ahead and committing to my life away from home. For years I could believe that I was on an extended vacation, a young adult adventure that I would look back on fondly. Funny thing is, this is my life, and my mother's reluctant heart had something to tear-up about. Cause I,indeed, have not come home. I think that she has forgiven me, but my heart still has a big rift in it.